Uncategorized

How hard can it be to make friends?

This is a serious question.

As a child ask you had to do was go up to a kid on the playground and ask “do you want to be my friend?” And that was it, you were friends.

Where is the grown-up playground though? And who is the adult that supervises you while you are there? How do you manage to meet people and what factors go into deciding of their friend material?

And if you add to all that confusion some serious social anxiety, you end up with a recipe for disaster.

I want to meet people. I want to have friends. I want to be normal. But it doesn’t seem to be working to well for me.

So internet world, I pose a serious question…How do you meet people???

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Bri's Current Events · My History · Uncategorized

The Mask

I live my life wearing a mask.

I think we all do to some extent. A mask to protect us from the evil that is outside.

My mask rarely if ever comes off.

I don’t remember what I look like without the mask. I don’t know who I am without it. I must protect myself at all costs for is someone were to find out who I am, my life would be over. I have lost myself trying to protect myself from the evil.

I must hide a huge secret, bigger than all my other secrets combined. For if the world knew my secret, it would be catastrophic. If the world knew, my life would be over.

I want so badly to take off the mask, to get to know myself and to allow the people around me to get to know me too. So here it goes…

I have Bipolar Disorder

The secret I have been hiding for 13 years from almost all of the people I have encountered in my life is that I  have a chronic genetic illness that yes, I was born with, and no I didn’t ask for and that I had zero control over getting.

What makes this chronic illness different from the rest is that it’s a psychological disorder. I do not look sick from the outside. You can not see where I am hurt. But I am hurt, very hurt. Most days (good days included) it takes all my energy to make it through the day. There are places that for reasons that don’t live in reality I can’t go and things I can’t do because the anxiety associated with those places and things is debilitating (even on good days).

There are times when I am the best friend you could ever have. Make 1000 plans with you to do amazing and wonderful things. I am the life of the party. And there are times where I try to blend into the wall so no one will approach me because I don’t want to be seen.

Bipolar does not equal crazy. Bipolar means that my emotions don’t work the same as everyone elses. There is an imbalance in my brain of the hormones/ neurotransmitters/ chemicals that control emotions and therefore my brain has a hard time maintaining balance. This means that I am constantly walking on a tightrope and will at times lose my balance and fall to either depression or mania. Getting back on the tightrope is hard and takes time. But as you learn to walk on the tightrope more, you fall less and you go to the extremes less. There is always a chance you will fall, but it becomes far less often.

That is all that bipolar disorder is. So why is it so vilianized? Why am I so afraid to let the world know? Why must I wear this mask?

Today I take off the mask and tell the world I SUFFER FROM BIOLAR DISORDER 

 

 

Uncategorized

There is no reason why I’m sad!

Depression is a tricky disease. There are multiple forns of depression, trigger induced, seasonal, post partum, ect

But one kinds of depression stands out from the rest.

Bipolar depression.

In bipolar depression there is no reason for why I’m sad. I’m taking my pills, I’m seeing the therapist, I’m making positive choices, and yet as if out of no where I find myself in the depths of a black hole with no way out.

I have no explanation to give when people ask what happened or how can I help you. I don’t know the answers.

I’ve been here before, and I’ve somehow gotten out but it’s a sort of amnesia that sets in and you have no recollection of how you got out. It’s as if all the tools you have been carrying around with you for an event like this have suddenly gone missing.

I want to be alone in my self loathing contemplating how to end the pain. I want to be surrounded by people that love me to make sure I don’t hurt myself. I want them there when they are not and I want them gone when they are.

I don’t want to feel like this but fighting is so much harder each time it hits.What am i fighting for? Another few happy months? Maybe a year before I’m back here in the darkness?

There is a scerenity to the depression. It’s something few people will admit. It’s a familiar place. It’s an almost secure place in the sense that I know what will happen here. There are no surprises. It’s a painful place but my mind has convinced me that this is what I deserve. I have no will to leave this place. No desire to leave. No energy left to fight.

And so I sit here until the team comes to drag me out. I will fight them every step of the way, wanting to stay in the comfortable pit of depression. This envelope of darkness that hugs me with its tentacles of self hate is the only hug I want to feel.

I am angry when those around me remind me of how much I have to live for. I am angry when people ask if I am all right. I am angry when people don’t acknowledge it and also even they do. I am angry when they try to get me out of the house and angry when they leave me alone. I don’t want help and so badly do at the same time.

I push those closest to me away. I scare everyone multiple times a day. I hate myself and don’t deserve that anyone love me.

Life is over…so mourn me now.

My History

I Want to Forget!

Why do you have to be in my head? Why can’t I forget you all together? Why do I have to remember you?

Can’t someone just wipe my memory clean so I can leave you alone and stop tormenting myself.

I can’t describe the feeling I feel when I think of you. It’s not a feeling I’ve felt before. It hurts so much but at the same time fills my heart.

Why are my emotions so much deeper when it comes to you? Why does it feel like you are a part of me that has been ripped off? A gauging hole in my chest. An emptiness I have yet to fill.

Will I ever fill the emptiness or will it forever be kept a memory of what once was and will never be again?

 

Healthy eating

When a Sloth Jogs

 

I do not know what came over me tonight. Maybe it was the 105 degree high today or an unexpected energy burst, but I decided to get up and move. Something I work very hard to avoid.

I put it in my stubborn head that I am going to walk tonight. It didn’t matter that it was still above 90 degrees outside despite the sun having already set. It didn’t matter that I have to work a night shift tonight and probably should be napping right now. Nope, I got it in my head that I am going walking and that’s exactly what I did!

I even gave myself a goal. I decided on a 10 minute minimum walk and a maximum of…yeah right…I was back inside my house stretching like a pro at the 10 min mark exactly.

It was a process to get ready to go walking though.

First I had to shave my legs. It’s too hot to wear any more clothes than absolutely necessary  but my legs were not ready to be on display. So I shaved my legs.

Then I had to pick the perfect playlist. Took me a few more minutes than it should have considering I only walked for 2.5 songs. But I can check perfect playlist off my procrastination list.

Finally I had to take a pre workout selfie. Because we all know that in 10 minutes I am going to be back home with washboard abs and a perfectly tight butt. Gotta have it recorded!

And at 8:40 pm at a temperature of 93 degrees, I turned the music on full blast and was on my way.

I do not know exactly what was going through my head, but I am pretty sure I thought if I walked faster, it would be over sooner. So I pushed my overweight, out of shape body to the limit! I clocked in at .75 miles in 10 minutes. I don’t know how fast that is per hour, but that is damn fast for a sloth. Walking briskly I should have burned 53 calories, but at my pace, sloth jogging, I burned 127 calories.

I am the best sloth jogger there is!

 

 

Healthy eating

A Serious Weigh In

It has been a week since I got my scale. The one that had shown that I had gained 15 lbs on this diet and lost 2 of those lbs. I have come to terms with the new starting weight and took the 2 lbs as a win.

Now that I have a scale though, I am on it 3x a day. First thing in the morning, after my first successful bathroom trip, and before I go to bed. I am obsessed with seeing the daily fluctuations in my weight. I can’t get enough of seeing how much my weight goes up and down during the day.

My weekly weigh in is different.

This is a serious weigh in.

A few factors must come into play before I am willing to accept the weight of a weekly weigh in.

I must weigh myself within an hour of waking up.

I must have had a successful bathroom trip already whilst not eating any food yet. Thank you coffee!

I must strip down to almost nothing (don’t want any extra weight from clothes).

I must double-check my weight about 20 minutes to an hour after the original weigh in (still before breakfast).

There is no room for playing around when it comes to manipulating the scales in your favor!

And boy has the manipulation paid off this week!

The moment you have all been waiting for!!!

Drumroll please…

I am 3.5 lbs down from last week!!!!

Allowing for a total loss of 5.5 lbs!!!!

I can’t wait to play the game again next week.

Healthy eating

What is that stuff?!?!

I have heard this question almost everyday for the past few weeks.

My kids are not pleased that they have not had pizza or pasta in over two weeks. They are not happy about the unidentifiable food that is being put on their plates everyday.

They are missing the chips and candy. They just want pasta and ketchup. Is that too much to ask for?

My five year old was very pleased to see quinoa on his plate this weekend as it slightly resembles the carbs he’s missing. He lathered it in ketchup and accepted the compromise.

Grilled18337471_10158652404600026_421277416_n.jpg chicken for dinner is a treat for them. Better than my attempts at veggie mac and cheese. But they are being good sports about mommy starting to eat healthy. They are eating fruits and veggies  and trying new foods, some of which they like.

Their biggest concern is if I will still be so snuggly if I’m not fat.