Depression is a tricky disease. There are multiple forns of depression, trigger induced, seasonal, post partum, ect
But one kinds of depression stands out from the rest.
In bipolar depression there is no reason for why I’m sad. I’m taking my pills, I’m seeing the therapist, I’m making positive choices, and yet as if out of no where I find myself in the depths of a black hole with no way out.
I have no explanation to give when people ask what happened or how can I help you. I don’t know the answers.
I’ve been here before, and I’ve somehow gotten out but it’s a sort of amnesia that sets in and you have no recollection of how you got out. It’s as if all the tools you have been carrying around with you for an event like this have suddenly gone missing.
I want to be alone in my self loathing contemplating how to end the pain. I want to be surrounded by people that love me to make sure I don’t hurt myself. I want them there when they are not and I want them gone when they are.
I don’t want to feel like this but fighting is so much harder each time it hits.What am i fighting for? Another few happy months? Maybe a year before I’m back here in the darkness?
There is a scerenity to the depression. It’s something few people will admit. It’s a familiar place. It’s an almost secure place in the sense that I know what will happen here. There are no surprises. It’s a painful place but my mind has convinced me that this is what I deserve. I have no will to leave this place. No desire to leave. No energy left to fight.
And so I sit here until the team comes to drag me out. I will fight them every step of the way, wanting to stay in the comfortable pit of depression. This envelope of darkness that hugs me with its tentacles of self hate is the only hug I want to feel.
I am angry when those around me remind me of how much I have to live for. I am angry when people ask if I am all right. I am angry when people don’t acknowledge it and also even they do. I am angry when they try to get me out of the house and angry when they leave me alone. I don’t want help and so badly do at the same time.
I push those closest to me away. I scare everyone multiple times a day. I hate myself and don’t deserve that anyone love me.
Life is over…so mourn me now.